the year was 1997. the month was april. the day was friday. the time was 2:30 a.m. and we had been fucking like rabbits for the past two hours.
he wasn't my boyfriend and wasn't my husband. he was my fuck buddy, which is the equivalent of having my cake and eating it too, preferably from on top of his dick. our 'friendship with priviledges' had been going on for about three months, with us exhausting damn near every sexual position ever created by man along with a couple of new ones no sane person would ever try. luckily, neither one of us was sane, especially when it came to good sex.
yet, despite our adventurous nature in bed, we had never tried the big 'a'...anal sex. we'd talked about it a couple of times, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it, as i couldn't understand how sticking something in my ass was supposed to be pleasurable for me. i'd seen plenty of skin flicks where the woman looked practically overjoyed by the fact that some guy was ramming his dick in her ass, but we all know that's just an act. i mean, i'm never sitting on my toilet in orgasmic ecstacy after dropping a log, so how am i supposed to connect pleasure to the anus? after stating this very thing to kevin, i was sure the matter would be dropped permanently. needless to say, a brotha was nothing if not persistent.
so on this friday night in april at approximately 2:30 in the morning, the subject came up again. i was in a very accomodating mood, as he had just spent the last 45 minutes working minuets on my clit that had my toes curling so forcefully, i had cramps in my feet.
"so," he started slyly, "what next?"
"what do you mean, what next?" i already had a feeling what 'next' meant.
he started squeezing my asscheeks, as if that would be enough confirmation of what he was proposing. i understood perfectly, but chose to play dumb because i wasn't trying to get into that discussion again.
"doggie?" i asked, hoping he would take the hint.
of course he didn't.
"you know what i'm talking about, nikki," he said as he ran his finger slowly between my cheeks.
"oh shit, not this again."
"come on, nik," he cajoled, a little whine reverberating through his voice, "let me put it in your ass."
i continued to lay there on my stomach, eyes closed as i savored his hands rubbing my ass. man, but it's the little things, you know?
after a minute of contemplation, i figured, why not? my clit was still throbbing from his previous assault, so i was still in a giving mood.
"aiight."
"FINALLY!" he exclaimed, before scrambling from the bed to grab a condom off of his night table. he handed it to me for me to slide onto him. he was spoiled in that regard, because i always licked the tip of his dick a couple of times before rolling the latex onto it down to the base. it was my way of saying to the dick "thank you for just being you."
after placing the condom onto his dick, i turned around, bent over, and waited.
"ut oh." he says from behind me.
"what do you mean, ut oh?"
"uh, we don't have any lubrication back here..."
oh yeah...see, we used the non-lubricated condoms because the lubricants usually found on condoms made my twat itch. anyway, we'd never had a problem with lubrication when it came to REGULAR sex.
but this was anal sex and it can't happen without fabricated lubrication. i breathed a sigh of relief before turning over to stare at him.
"well, that's just too bad, huh?" i was cheesing like a person who had just been pardoned from death row.
"wait a sec!" he said quickly, turning around to dash into his bathroom. "i've gotta have something around here somewhere!"
like i said, a brotha was nothing if not persistent. and industrious.
i hear him fumbling around in the bathroom, tossing bottles and whatever he had in there aside looking for something to help him out. when he got back to the bed, he had a plastic bottle in his hand.
"this'll work," he said excitedly, as he handed me the bottle.
a bottle of
VASELINE HAND LOTION.
"what the fuck?!" i exclaimed. "we can't use this! i'm not gonna have hand lotion in my ass, kevin."
"nikki," he sputtered anxiously, "it's almost as good as ky jelly!" he turned the bottle over and handed it back to me.
"see? it's got petroleum jelly in it!"
i held the bottle up close to my face to read the label in the low lighting.
"uh, this says petrolatum, kevin."
"it's the same thing!"
i looked at him, the skepticism i was feeling was blaring from every pore on my face.
"kevin..."
he suddenly dropped to his knees next to me on his bed.
"PLEEEEASE"
i just sat there looking at this grown man beg for the chance to stick his dick in my ass and realized this was the first time i had ever witnessed a man beg me for anything in such a manner.
it was funny as shit.
i pursed my lips.
"aiight, kevin," i said begrudgely, "but this shit better work."
"it will, i promise!"
at this point, kevin was damn near giddy with the whole thing. he was fucking BOUNCING on the bed with glee. he was like a kid who had just got his hands on a life supply of candy, only this candy was an ass tilted up in the air waiting for him to stick a vaseline-hand-lotion-lathered, condom-covered dick into it.
i sighed.
he grabbed me by the hips and pulled me back towards him. grabbing my asscheeks, he spread them slowly.
"here goes..."
and there he was at the entrance and i immediately stiffened. he placed his hand on my back and started rubbing it.
"relax, nik."
i took a deep breath, shimmied my ass a little, then forced myself to relax.
he very slowly started making his way forward. i braced myself while trying to stay as loose as possible, but that was some unnatural shit for me. think about it, we do not walk around on the daily thinking about keeping our anuses loose. we're too busy trying to keep it tight so nothing comes out. that's the only time i even think about my anus.
oh, that and when a dick is being shoved into it.
after about two minutes, he was finally all in. then he tried to pull back and i felt like he was taking my asshole with him.
"STOP!" i yelled. "DON'T FUCKING MOVE!"
he froze.
"relax, nikki!" kevin said again, as if i hadn't heard it the first time. as if relaxing my ass was gonna make it feel any better at this point.
"kevin..."
"just let it settle for a minute..."
"shit!"
after another minute had passed, he tried again to retreat. this time my ass felt like someone had put a torch to it. after rubbing it down with sandpaper. before clawing it with shards of glass.
"oh HELL nah, kevin!" i exclaimed, "take it out NOW."
"i'm trying!" he said, laughter sneaking into his voice.
"just yank the damn thing out!" i was getting more incensed as i realized he was laughing.
after listening to him snicker for a couple of seconds, i reached back to punch him and in his eagerness to get away, he stepped back and pulled out completely.
"OOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOWOOOOW!" i screamed as i felt him exit.
he burst out laughing.
i turned to him intending to kick him in the nuts. one look at him doubled over in laughter and i couldn't stay mad. i started laughing, too.
we laughed for what had to be at least five minutes, wiping the tears from each others' eyes in between guffaws and giggles. every time it seemed like we were done laughing, we'd look at each other and burst out laughing again.
turns out hand lotion, even hand lotion with
petrolatum in it, absorbs too quickly into the skin for it to be an effective lubricant. his condom was bone dry when he pulled it out.
eventually we ended up on the bed, me on my stomach, and him rubbing my asscheeks as if to soothe the general area for the damage he'd caused.
of course it goes without saying that i would go on to shit logs smelling like vaseline hand lotion for the next couple of days. luckily they slid out with no problem because of the smoothness of the tunnel, courtesy of said vaseline hand lotion.
a couple of months later we tried it again. of course kevin was ready, having purchased three kinds of ky jelly just to make sure there was no stopping the show.
like i said. a brotha is nothing if not persistent. and this time, prepared.
